Today was our fertility clinics 20th anniversary family picnic, a catered event at the zoo.  We arrived about 45 mins after it started, and were somewhat surprised by the turnout. Why? I don't know. They've been doing infertility medicine for 20 years, and IVF for 10. They've helped a LOT of families become... families. We filled our plates with burgers and salads and sat down to nosh and enjoy the festivities. After lunch, we did a photo op with our doc, and then watched the short presentation.  
It was overwhelming standing there with my science experiment / miracle child on my shoulders watching all of these families, realizing that we are not alone.  We wandered around the zoo for a few hours enjoying the animals and cool weather and I noticed every other family we saw had the purple wristbands we'd been given to get us into the event. Sometimes we would exchange nods, or slight smiles or knowing glances at each other's wristbands. I've encountered many people who have suffered through and survived the rollercoaster and mind fuck that is infertility, but it's another thing altogether to see so many of us in one place, identified so clearly, no shame, no guilt, just pride in the success. At points I was almost brought to tears by the sheer intensity of it all. 
When you're in the thick of it, injecting yourself with hormones, showing up at the crack of dawn for a cooter cam visit or waiting impatiently for the phone to ring with the results of your latest cycle... you feel incredibly alone. When you're examining the bruises on your belly or backside, scheduling your next cycle start or, staring down the first show of blood that signals the failure of another cycle, you feel intimately alone. When you're wandering through the mall watching all of the other happy families or envying the burgeoning bellies you see everywhere, you feel sadly, terribly, deeply alone.

But today I was reminded that I am not. And I have a wrist band to prove it. 

 Somedays I'm the toughest girl I know. 

AMEN! Change is on the horizon. Hope is alive and it lives in the hearts of many Americans.
I'm proud of what the people of this country have chosen. I'm proud of the choice i made. Barack Obama has inspired many (myself included) that there has never been anything false about hope.

I thought I would have a lot to say on this, but I'm tired, and just glad it was such a huge lead, so that McCain was able to gracefully concede (which he did, and i really respect him for the speech he gave).

Now it's time for them to stand up and deliver.


I'm not a cynic, am I?

1. came home from san fran wedding to find C and boys were sick all weekend.
2. Sitter called in sick so I took ruby to work with me on monday
3. Monday afternoon ruby started getting snotty and crabby
4. Ruby is sick. skip gym class on tuesday to stay home and watch tv and snuggle
5. Cancel weds pts cause ruby is sick and i have to take her with me.
6. Weds afternoon start feeling like shit.
7. thursday, sick. fun. sick with sick kid, and sick wife and babies.
8. Friday start feeling better, kid still snotty and coughing, slightly croupy. good times
9. Skipped halloween fun since everyone is still recovering, but enjoy quiet night since kid has stopped napping and goes to bed early.
10. Sunday night, at bedtime, child starts crying uncontrollably, then vomits all over bed, only to spend the next 7 hours crying and writhing in pain every 15-30 mins. Finally at 3 am, I give her motrin and we both pass out... only to get up at 6:30. fucking time change can eat my ass. Locusts descend upon house.
11. Monday (yesterday) sitter calls in sick again, back up is called in. Child has 102.5 fever, and apparently an ear infection that has caused a ruptured tympanic membrane.
12. see a few patients while child naps in front of tv, then spend afternoon snuggling and making cookies.
13. Starts raining frogs after bedtime, when the basement is flooded.
14. husband spends hours sucking up water and trying to save v. expensive basement investment. so far it looks like only the carpet is affected.
15. wake up after 3 hours of sleep to still wet carpet, child still having low grade fever and a full day of having to be a human ahead of me.

if Obama doesn't win, I quit.

Hard drive died. sad sad me. have back up. have apple care. will be fixed. for now. am stealing other laptops when people sleep.
lots of things going on. now working frm home. babies are here, family is chaotic but surviving.
Time to do dishes.
will update when computer lives again.

Lately I've been a ball of stress, exhausted, annoyed and irritated. I've felt frustrated by my lack of getting anything done, and feel like I'm constantly doing something. I've had the deep desire to CRY. I found myself seeking out sad songs, sad videos, sad blogs just to illicit the tears that would cleanse me for a moment so that I could get back to work.

http://www.glowinthewoods.com/home/2008/8/28/thankful.html

I am thankful I have pictures, even if they're not good quality. The one with her clenched fist -- which is a sign of seizure, although I choose to forget that when I look at it -- is my favorite. I choose to believe she's fighting.

I choose to believe she's fighting. This simple sentence brought me to my knees (literally) and gave me the heaving sobs I needed. And after I felt the release of a good cry, I cried some more for the mother who wrote it. I felt thankful for the blessings I have and the tender mercies that have been granted to me. I dropped my snack and ran up the stairs to wrap myself silently around my sleeping toddler and to kiss her fingers and ears. I finished unloading the groceries and decided i needed to go up to the hospital and hold the twins.

I choose to believe that we can take what we have been given and become stronger, or we can be crushed under the weight of it. I choose to believe that life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% what you make of it. I choose to believe you surround yourself with the right people at the right time. I choose to believe she's fighting.

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
4) Optional extra: Post a comment at www.verygoodtaste.co.uk linking to your results.

The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred:

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

50/100

All is status quo. No contractions, no signs of infection, babies are on the inside and doing well. Mama is taking info in and trying to process it. We're all still scared and stressed, but getting by.

Keep on keepin on.

At 1:30 this morning, Celeste's water broke. 28 weeks pregnant with twin boys. Both boys are fine as is mama but we're all pretty scared. Not a lot of deets right now. I'm just home to rest a bit, shower and pack up some stuff... and organize some emergency babysitting just in case I need to rush off when ryan is at work. The goal is to keep those babies inside as long as possible. 34 weeks would be nice, but every day helps.

It was scary, and nerve wracking and incredibly intense. I'm sure I'll process it eventually, but for now I'm in triage and manage mode.
If you're the praying type. get to praying. If not. well then do something useful.

Weekend at the beach to celebrate Ruby's birthday. Mellow, quiet, fun. Just Ry, Ru and I. Perfect. A friend lent us their beach house for the weekend and we cooked all our meals there, just going out for snacks and coffee. We walked to the ocean, played in the sand, went to the play ground and explored the little town. it was a very enlightening weekend.

The time leading up to her birth and the hours after were very interesting. I woke up at 7:30 in the morning to sun flooding the bedroom, which i vividly remember on the day ruby was born. When I left the house mid morning to get groceries for the weekend, I had the same fuzzy headed feeling I had on her birthday. like labor-land light. I remembered driving down the streets, seeing humans outside and thinking "they have no idea how my life is about to change, everything is about to change". Of course at the time I was so focused on my fear of the surgery, that I didn't realize how my life was about to change. Funny that, eh? All morning (this year, not then) I kept thinking, Two years ago I didn't who she was going to be, two years ago I didn't know HER. How did I even live then? How did life exist before Ruby?
By the time we were nearing her actual birth time, we were on the road to the beach. We were discussing the time line and how it seems crazy that we left for the hospital and then she wasn't born for another 2.5 hours. What were we doing, what took so long? For an 'emergency' c-section, there was clearly no emergency. Just as I assume I was being wheeled into the OR, Ruby fell asleep in the back seat and ryan and I went on to talk about the hard parts. Every time we talk about it, it seems I learn more about what happened and am more lost and confused. I really should get my hospital records, eh? I ended up pulling my computer out and looking at the time stamp on the pix, because i was so confused about things. Of course, the time stamp was off, as I KNOW i wasn't unconscious for 2.5 hours before I held her ( I was only out for about 30-45 mins) so I think Amy's camera clock wasn't set right. Anyway, once this conversation was over, the fuzzy headed feeling eased quite a bit and my head was back in 2008, but every once in a while I just would be struck with this shocking thought that two years ago, I didn't know how amazing this little person was. crazy.

So, on to the next day. We had stayed up late ( all of us, ie: 10:30 pm) watching a movie together, then Ruby rang in her third year with the longest and harshest raging tantrum she's ever had, and then she nursed and passed out (for SEVEN long glorious hours). In the morning we had a yummy breakfast and then walked down to the town for coffee and playtime. Over coffee I mentioned to Ryan that I was having amazing baby cravings. I figured it made sense biologically, as one child exits 'baby-hood' to start thinking about another. Besides, i'm hanging out with a pregnant woman all the time, and see lots of newborns at work! Shockingly, Ryan responded by saying "well we can go for it anytime"

Anytime.

So we talked some more. he'd rather that the kids (hoping we are successful) be closer together rather than further. I'm sure that we both feel ready because Ruby is finally sleeping for longer periods of time, and we're all feeling human again. And besides, she's so much fun, and so amazing, why not talk about having another?

I'm calling our RE in the AM to schedule a FET (frozen embryo transfer). There shall be no TTC, no timed sex, no charting. We're going to skip the part where we get emotionally overwrought each cycle that has no chance of working and go straight to the doctor and schedule one that DOES have a chance of working. I'm hoping we can schedule it for july or august ((insert ::eek:: smiley here!)) cause I'll skip september (due to C's twins) and wait till late October otherwise. We've got to use our FSA money by Nov 1, so now is as good a time as any, eh?

How's that for moving on? HA ha ha!! We go straight from re-living birth trauma to planning another. And yeah, I'm going to schedule some more therapy also. :)

so, whaddaya say?

Last night, we had a beer with dinner. There was an occasional burp. Ruby would reply "bark". It was the funniest thing I have heard in a loooooong time.

So. One of the movies we saw last weekend was Juno. I have been looking forward to seeing this movie since i saw the first preview months ago, because the dialogue looked snappy, the soundtrack sounded great, and the topic is close to my heart. Since it came out like 2 months ago, I've read several reviews and had a chance to hear what other bloggers and people I know think about it... and had mulled over a few things before I saw it. Everything others said I'd be annoyed by or would love came true.

1. Juno was quite pretentious, and almost hard to believe anyone 16 could be that... quick. lol That's not the exact word I mean, but it's as good as I'm going to get in a short quick post.

2. The way they portrayed the infertile couple grated on me. not the fact that their marriage was a mess, hell you don't need IF to have a fucked up marriage. it was how *desperate* they seemed. Some of the comments from the teenagers and the parents about the baby crazy infertiles got to me, but people who haven't walked the line probably talk like that, so it may be true.

3. The ease at which Juno decided to give up her baby seemed to careless to me. Do I think that someone can give a baby up for adoption and not look back? sure, I guess so... but I dont' think it's that likely. I think that too many pregnant teens could see how she just so easily moved on and think "oh I can just do THAT!" and not have the experience that is portrayed in the movie. Just like choosing to abort, or choosing to keep the baby isn't all happy snappy either, yanno?
I think it's entirely possible for a mother to give her child up for adoption, and have it be a healthy positive choice for everyone in the picture, but this was a little to flip for me. The scene in the hospital when she and bleeker cry seemed the only moment where they realized the gravity of what they had chosen.

4. I actually loved Juno's character, even tho it seemed unrealistic for someone 16 to be so well rounded. I hope Ruby is that cool. :)

5. The scene where Juno sees the adoptive mother playing with another kid in the mall was amazing. It showed Juno really seeing that she had chosen a MOTHER for her child, not just someone to take care of her. You could see it dawning on her that the dad was kinda cool, but the mom was a MOM. then the part with her feeling the baby kick just knocked me down. seeing her face, ah... I can't describe it.

So, overall, i thought it was a good movie. Do I think it portrays teen pregnancy in a true light? no. Do I think it portrays infertility and adoption in a true light? no. but it was entertaining none the less... like chicklit with good music.

Ok, my time is up. tell me what you thought of it!

It will all work out in the end. If it's not worked out, it's not the end.


This, I know is true.

Father went to college

Father finished college

Mother went to college

Mother finished college

Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor

Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers

Had more than 50 books in your childhood home

Had more than 500 books in your childhood home

Were read children's books by a parent

Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18

Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18

The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively

Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18

Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs

Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs

Went to a private high school

Went to summer camp

Had a private tutor before you turned 18

Family vacations involved staying at hotels

Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18

Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them

There was original art in your house when you were a child

Had a phone in your room before you turned 18

</b>You and your family lived in a single family house</b>

Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home

Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course

Had your own TV in your room in High School

Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College

Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16

Went on a cruise with your family

Went on more than one cruise with your family

Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up

You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

Calling all knitters or crocheters...

My aunt and cousin have both lost their houses, and everything they had in the fires in CA. I'm looking for anyone who wants to knit an 8x8 square for an afghan ( one for each house if I can). I don't care color or pattern, just whatever you want, in machine washable yarn.

thanks mamas. ::love::

I'll update more on it when i can. back to knitting.

1.Podiatrist
2.Acupuncturist
3.Nurse
4.Nurse Practitioner
5.Special Effects Technician
6.Pet Groomer
7.Costume Designer
8.Sign Maker
9.Massage Therapist
10.Fashion Designer

I missed taxidermist by 3. seriously?


Ooops... by doing this we are making some non profits pay through the nose. bad bad me!

And lo, it was good. In the end, I'm sad. I'm sad it's done, and I'm not sure I liked the ending. Esp the epilogue, didn't like it at all. wish i hadn't read it.

That is all.